There was a time in my not so distant past that I felt really great about myself physically, I'm not so sure about the internal.. as that's something I have always let the externals interfere with. I suppose letting the opinions of others weigh on how we see and decipher our own reflections is all apart of growing up.
Somedays I feel like once I stopped growing vertically, I made excuses for the fact that I began growing out horizontally. Hormones, puberty, trauma.. blah blah blah. Everyone constantly makes excuses for these things, and those who seek out to change the course of their bodies are seen as obsessive, vain, or weird. I am living in quite possibly the most superficial society I have ever born witness to, a place where it's totally acceptable for people (grown ups, or even children) to call eachother ugly, or fat, or stupid. This happens a lot back home too, but we're more prone to cry ourselves to sleep over it... or talk about our feelings to food, or the bottom of a wine bottle. Maybe Korean's have the right away, don't like something? Change it. It's your body. Maybe that's easier said than done.. but starting tomorrow I'm making a few small changes that I hope bring a balance and bridge these two inner demons.
I'm joining one of the Korean teacher's yoga studios. My dad practised yoga his entire life, he meditated over everything. My dad was such a calming force in my life, that when he ceased to have that special power.. I felt so lost. Being alone over here, and having the quiet time each and every morning to reflect on just how god damned lucky I am to have born who I was, and be where I am today has really made me think back to that calming effect he had on me. I know that he would want me to figure that out for myself.
I used to love to hole up in the yoga studio of Fitness fanatx, to shut off all the lights & play music. I would just dance and dance and dance until my body was sore, but I was happy. When I had that space, and that movement I was calm. I knew where I was, what I could do, and who I could be. I realize now that I have let that sense of self escape from me.. I allowed the superficial to get in, when I should not have done. I stopped eating clean, because I allowed people's furrowed brows to make excuses for over eating, or having that extra glass of wine God himself knows I didn't need. I drove places, instead of walking. I let myself slide away, until the things I really.. truly cared about, where something I would look back on from under my covers at night. I would wonder why people looked at me differently, or didn't treat me as that cute little girl anymore. I'm not that cute little girl, there's no going back. But there are things that I can do to make myself more at peace. I can eat clean, I can cleanse.. I can keep this damn apartment tidy and cute, and keep my thoughts positive and look to the future.
Though I have lost bits and pieces of myself, I can certainly find new ones that fit in different places. Regrouping, and rebuilding is a major part of this experience, and I do think that I am ready for that phase. I can't take back a lot of the things that I have done or said in my past, but I can find a way to bring peace into my own heart. With that, perhaps I can find a way to pave a better, more substantial future for myself in time.
I will never find in another human being the love and strength that I drew from my father, and in all honesty, there will never be another human being capable of dealing with my shenanigans in such a patient and understanding manner... but maybe I can learn to be that for myself. I sure hope so.
I'm sure the combination of dance classes and yoga will set me on my way. I'm also looking in to doing the Wild Rose Cleanse, but shipping's expensive and I'm not too sure about the laxative supplement.. because I work with small children for long hours and my helper teacher is almost never in the classroom. This bladder has been on many roadtrips, but nothing as intense as teaching English in Korea. ANYWAYS. Yoga, yes, good.
Healthy mind, healthy body, happy Lauren. We can hope.
To new beginnings?
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