my closet sucks

I'm having one of those nights where I can't decide whether or not I want to go out. I feel like I should because my vacation has just started and my friend is leaving for the US tomorrow.. so I should go say bye..  but I hate every item of clothing that I own and feel like a massive whale.

I know I'm not a whale. I just don't like how things fit.. they're too baggy, or still just a tad too snug to not look like a hooker (boobs suck). If I were a cup size smaller, and twenty pounds lighter I think I'd feel much happier leaving this apartment.

I do have to leave, eventually, as I have to eat and I have no fresh produce in my fridge.

dhfbsmkrhgbkwkehbvskkf

/endrant.

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And did I ever leave... part of me is glad that I did, but another part of me returns to Busan from Namhae completely deflated.  I did go out to see my good American friend, Clint, and at some point in the evening I was lured by my departing Irish coworker Claire to a karaoke place.. where we drank & sang until well passed sunrise.  At some point during our night out, not one but two men (read: grown ass men) made comments about my weight.  I talked about my feelings with the bottom of a soju bottle.  I got home around 7 am, just in time to pack my bag for some camping. I figured fresh air would make me feel like self-loathing.  This was correct until around 2:30 am when it started to rain, and I realized I had no shelter in which to sleep. I hung around my friends' new Korean posse for about 10 minutes before one asked me if I was pregnant.

AWESOME TIMING BRO.

I left pretty quickly to find myself a room in a pension in which to cry myself to sleep.

I realize that this is a passing phase, and that I went through a very traumatic year and a half.  One does not always have time to self-love when they are struggling to grasp at the love you hold for someone who is fading away.  Losing my father broke me, and now I am rebuilding.  Being abroad is a wonderful thing, and perhaps I can turn this.. constant criticism of my physical self.. into motivation.  I came to quite possibly the most superficial country on this planet to learn to love myself again- I appreciate my inner beauty so much more... but I still wish I were thin.

Let's see how this pans out?



PS- Namhae is beautiful.  photos to be uploaded soon.