Dreams

I've always found dreams to be an interesting cause for refection.  My dreams have been quite haunting as of late.. far too many conversations with those who have passed, or are gone from my life.  I wonder if they're a release or if a sign of guilt Ive been harbouring.  Regret is such a bitch.. Being able to sleep through the night would be such a godsend.  It is so hard to focus on the present, and hope for a happier future when your thoughts are so consistently occupied by the past.

To say that I've had an uphill battle to be where I am today is an understatement, to say the least.  I want to say that I have learned and grown from my experiences, but maybe I have missed a few things along the way.   Maybe my soul needs to breathe a bit, too.

I would love to dream about the future, and what it holds for me.  I haven't been able to do this for over a year and a half.  So many people have hopes, dreams, and ambitions.. while I struggle to hold a firm grasp on the immediate time.  I feel like I have set myself to see, and I am aimlessly floating off in the distance while my loved ones are reaching these huge milestones.  I can give my congratulations, but am I really there?  I feel like I am neither here, nor there.  I wish somebody would rope me in & give me something solid to hold onto.  I thought perhaps a year of freedom would give my heart some solace.

They say home is where the heart is, but I am not entirely sure where mine is hidden at the moment.  I feel like I need to let that breathe, too.  Perhaps I am too guarded?  I have tried, these past 4 months, to be as honest with others and open as I could possibly be.  I don't feel like I have done a bad job of that but I do feel like something is missing.. why am I so sad?

I guess the honey moon period with Busan is over.  I miss my family, my dogs, and my friends.  I miss my life.